Step out, Reach out, Lean In. Repeat.

She should be able to speak, to pause, to listen, to criticize and to improve. But on her own will! 

Growing up in an Indian society, the aspect of gender inequality is something we learn, may be not as early as the alphabet but certainly as quick as that. Observing the undertones of this gender gap, I have strived to gain awareness of how some women are able to break the glass ceiling or even approach it while some are lagging behind. Are the men holding us back? Are women 'supposed' to be held back sometimes? Do men 'need' to be held back too? If men and women work together, why do men take the lead? These are some questions I used to think about a lot as a child. In this blog post, I wish to approach this issue from a different angle.

Even though there is no denial that most societies in the world are patriarchal, there is evidence to show that some women are knowingly or unknowingly perpetuating male supremacy. In a bid to be likeable, women hesitate to come out of their comfort zones. This eventually leads to a ‘gender discount’ problem. Women pay a professional penalty as they try to fit into their stereotypical image of being ‘familial’. They can't foresee the cost of putting-everyone-else-first has on their confidence and self-worth. Men don’t need to legitimize their negotiations for they are 'known' to be working actively on themselves however a woman will have to justify the very need to negotiate. Sheryl Sandberg (COO, Facebook), therefore, encourages women to ‘lean in’ for better opportunities and higher platforms to showcase their talent. She says women must be open to reach out if we want a truly equal world where women would run half our countries and men ran half our homes.

Another major point of difference is that women and men differ in the approach towards failure. Ms. Sandberg points out how internalization of failure and the insecurity it breeds, hurts future performance so this pattern has long term consequences.   I have grown to believe that a lack of confidence can become a self fulfilling prophecy. Ms. Sandberg mentions how instead of brooding over why men are endowed with more self-belief than women, it is crucial to understand that we, women, fail to put ourselves forward and take the plunge to correct for the gap. I earnestly want to take a step forward in that direction. Just like the actress Shraddha Kapoor in the ad for Baggit urges, “Whatever you got to say, put it on the table.” You should be able to put your point as lucidly as it is in your mind. Realizing this now, I consciously wish to undistort this distortion in our social fabric. I want to be able to frame my thoughts, say my mind and thereby motivate other women to also do the same. This lesson dawned upon me when I was teaching economics in St. Stephen’s college. Given that the cream of brilliance comes to this college, some students find it hard to open up in class due to their fear of being considered 'slow'. I have observed that a teacher’s expression of encouragement is more than enough for a rather reticent student to express herself. Initially, it may be just a one-to-one interaction but eventually she will be convinced of her version of the story. I am proud to say that by the end of the semester, many of these women were not just extremely interactive in class but were high-scorers as well. However, women must know that we needn’t always search for a ‘mentor’ to change our life. We shouldn’t assume that once we have a mentor, we will excel. Instead, we should reinforce that once you excel (show signs of excellence), you will get a mentor. Not just that, you will also be armed enough to mentor others and help them attain Ikigai. 

I am sure all of us wonder about what place do men take in the imbroglio of this axis of inequality?  I found some convincing narrative which resonates with my views on feminism in a novel written by Jeffrey Archer titled 'The Prodigal Daughter'. Richard and Florentyna meet as strangers and later are apprised of the fact that their fathers are arch rivals (Kane and Abel). Since their fathers don't approve of the relationship, they move to Florida with their college friends. While Richard takes a job as a banker, Florentyna opens her own small shop for attire and accessories. Gradually, she expands the business to a chain of stores named 'Florentyna's'. On their own, the couple emerges more powerful than ever, wedding two empires, those of Kane and Abel. While such business mergers were taking place, Richard and Florentyna are juggling the role of husband and wife as well as professional partners. They would occasionally throw taunts and jibe at each other at home while simultaneously bargaining for shares from investors and settling accounts. However, one thing that remains the bottomline is the unflinching faith they have in each other which is not just evident in their interactions but also in the absence of the other. One small instance is when she is learning how to consolidate the shares of the Baron Group (her father's established empire), the manager Mr. George tells Richard that she has inherited her father's genius but just lacks experience. Richard doesn't think twice to say,"Time will take care of that" as if to say that no one could be a better head of the Baron Group than her. She had been a Valedictorian and even a Woolson scholarship holder so surely her abilities had been tagged and rewarded before. However, every piece of genius dies if it is unattended to or ignored. The above excerpt has been given to bring home the fact that while men are not expected to 'uplift' women but recognition and motivation should be mutual, however insignificant the achievements may seem. I have reasons to believe that his staunch support is one of the strong contending factors for her becoming the President of the United States a decade later despite starting off as a shop owner.

As a fictitious story, one may dismiss this as a castle in the clouds. I personally look out for couples where the woman’s success and fame are driving the family for they are as rare as a cut diamond. Sheryl Sandberg in her brave book “Lean In” talks about how her professional success had an impact on her marriage. She says and I quote “Making gender matters worse, men’s success is viewed not just in absolute terms but mostly in comparison to their wives. The image of a happy couple still includes a husband who is more professionally successful than the wife. If the reverse occurs, it is perceived as threatening to the marriage.” She later goes on to explain how people would whisper in her ears saying, “Is Dave okay with YOUR success?” She proudly narrates that Dave was more self-confident than her and it was easy for him to brush off such comments for he was proud of his own work and achievements. Not just that, she even explains how Dave has been a fierce supporter of her professional proficiency. 

However, I must clarify that I do not support the Tiara Syndrome either. Founders of Negotiating Women expound that many women expect that if they keep doing their job well someone will notice them and place a tiara on their head. The reality is that there are no free tiaras in this world. One has to advocate for oneself despite having desirable credentials. Another scene from The Prodigal Daughter will help to strengthen my stand. On being able to prevent the takeover of the family business because of his wife's presence of mind and strategy, Richard (the owner of the bank) eulogises her saying,

"My God, Florentyna, you have the nerve of ten men."

She replies,"No. One woman."  

Look what an impact black and white letters in a book can make. She probably paved a way for many other women her husband will praise and appreciate. It is crucial that women assert their worth whenever given a chance. Like Ms. Sheryl says,"If you are offered a seat on the rocket ship, you don’t ask what seat." Once you do, use every bit of your energy to form your own niche.  

This piece is dedicated to all those women who are finding their feet in this topsy-turvy world and know that their zen will find its home someday.